Seated next to each other at a celebration, I scanned a linen covered table which stretched into the horizon. My existence felt familiar, as familiar as myself in my skin used to be. I breathed in your laughter, the smell of your leather jacket, the texture of your cheek and the intimacy of your mouth, all at once. The safety of me with you permeated every cell of my being.
I watched events across the table unfold . The kindest of our friends accused someone who had been less than kind to me of lying….. but I had just watched the whole thing- they weren’t lying, so I told my kind friend the truth, she was mistaken.
Not only did my kind friend not believe me, I was asked to leave. In front of countless dream witnesses your incredibly strong hand reached for mine, without words, without shame we exchanged a knowing. I told the truth. Sometimes people don’t see what we see. Listening to or rejecting the truth is their choice . My conscience felt clear and crisp like water flowing uninterrupted between our souls. We left respecting our friends' space, mysteriously unscathed by rejection or betrayal.
You led me, with your strong hand and the all encompassing safety of your love. This part of the dream is the reality of my entire life with you. It’s protective and a knowing agreement on my part, I will follow you anywhere because you are trustworthy.
You open the door and it closes behind me. Noise, gospel notes zig zag through the air while I look from face to crowd to atmosphere and it registers we are walking across the front of a dimly lit church. The choir is assembling, the pulpit is not yet occupied and the congregation is gathering. Shadows and deep colors, exude the smell of carpets under which secrets are hidden.
You already know where we are, your hand still leading me, your pace stays steady as you head in a straight line toward the exit. For a fleeting moment I think how much I would have loved to hear the music. You hear my sad dream thoughts, but you are leading me out of the darkness. I want to apologize for interrupting their preparations, but you calm that unnecessary habit. We had to cross from one door to the other to get out, I’m getting you to safety and you don’t need to apologize for anything.
You opened the door and led me into the fullest purest light. You embraced me with the warmth of peace and the miraculous sun smiled with us,
Note: I copy and paste my journal entries here. The format here requires I bold or italicize within this system, the format does not transfer from my copied document.
I copied and pasted this portion of my journal which was all in one font, but here was inexplicably bolded.
I am currently reading Once More We Saw Stars by Jayson Greene. Reading other peoples lived reality of dreams, visions and signs when they had no religious or cultural reference before loss has been a truly healing gift from fellow grievers. Hearing that this journey looks different than anyone could imagine, and the way the agonizing shattered places somehow give way to growth, allows peace to find a place to reside.
Contemplating this dream, brought a flood of memories of churches we have visited across the U.S. and in Italy. My body responds, and my soul speaks to a deep truth within. The wordless longing housed inside me in an unfamiliar church, was a longing for Oneness. The anticipation of newness, of uniqueness and the sacredness of Oneness was and still is at the core of my spirit.