I wonder if I had a job right now, if I could keep track of time. Maybe I could tell what day of the week it was and the time of the day.
Greif is painful work.
I wake in the middle of the night and the silence whispers-“ your job right now is to take care of yourself.” So in the morning, I determined to do something to take care of myself, and take up a friends invitation to go swimming, to move my body and my muscles and try to get some exercise.
At sunrise, I gather flowers to place by your ashes, you whisper on the wind - take those flowers and bless our daughter instead.
I arranged a crown of roses for a pure white dahlia, today's gifts from Eden, and placed them at her bedside. Her sweet smile evidence we received the divine joy you sent.
I drove to the familiar, disoriented. I asked, like every other morning, to feel your presence watching over us, the anticipation numbed by grief.
I was comforted by our friend, who shared he was thinking about you, missing your advice and your expertise just yesterday.
Tears led me to my livelihood and provision for the day.
Approaching the compassionate water,
Paused in the poetry
Solemnly standing in strength
Under the grape arbor, was a ladder.
Transfixed, I stood as heavenly tendrils twirled in my soul.
Slowly I descended into a pool of tears, gasping for breath as I crossed the water,
taking in the masterpiece,
Every time I came up for air.
A Vine and
Compelled to draw near to the composition,
I rose out of the watery grave.
Anyone who has tried to capture a meaningful image,
What you see with your eye,
isn’t always what you can place within a frame.
I was led to dance a circle with the vine, to gently touch the branches twisted through the ladder,
As a partner would give their modest hand in a waltz,
While the fruit hung heavy and beautiful and ripe above us.
I couldn’t capture the whole experience within one frame, the sunlight radiating through the smoke and the haze like
My daily struggle to see all the beauty, through the pain.
I paused for a long time, confounded, as I took in the vine and it’s branch intertwined in the ladder ready to assist anyone reaching to pick the fruit.
You twirled me and dipped me a practiced move
Suddenly I found myself laid out on the ground
as if I had fallen from the ladder
At the everpresent light
And the promised fruit.
The only position from which I could capture the whole vision.
And it wasn’t until I’d been there for some time that I realized where I was.
There, with you.
The ground was saturated with the tears I’d been swimming in.
We’ve all fallen,
And we’re looking toward The Light
Jesus, Help us in our weakness
To keep you in our sight.
Why God, why have you provided me with this place to take care of myself?
Why am I lying here searching for The Light?
Why am I lying here in my tears at the base of a ladder with fruit ready to fall from the sky?
While the very present light is hidden behind smoke- What are you trying to tell me?
As the darkness is being exposed,
and the truth is being revealed
and we’re all suffering at being separated from the One we love most-
What heavenly truth are you telling me?
The Only Time for Silence is when Listening to the Divine.
Wisdom Must Speak.
Wisdom lays itself down
and directs its gaze at the light
despite the distractions, and confusion and wisdom speaks.
Wisdom speaks truth.
Wisdom sees truth.
Wisdom knows the Light,
Wisdom sees the truth of the fall,
that every human being has power- power to bless or to harm.
There’s a ladder set before every human heart,
To take a step toward heaven ,
To Selflessly give your life for others or selfishly keep your feet on the dust of the perishing ground, unwilling and unmoved by the suffering of others.
I took in the tender branch resting on the ladder, compadres. The scene seemed to be immovable, like the vine, the ladder and the branch were forever friends. And I wanted to lay in silence there forever